Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Druid logic.

The earth beneath my feet is where I'm most comfortable. No footwear, a plain sheet covering my body, and a beard with long hair sprawling all over my head in every direction. At least, that's how simple I sometimes wish life would be. To just feel the grass as it weaves in and out between your toes, the wind caressing your face gently, the sun lighting your world, calming you so you can just sit down and relax. To live the life of a Druid, for a short time a least. Wouldn't that be just wonderful? It would be really messy though, you'd have twigs in your hair, you'd reak of dirt, sweat, and wild animal. Your teeth would probably be a mess, you'd be grossly thin, refusing to consume anything from nature that doesn't speak out and ask you to consume it, and, to be frank, you'd look totally insane. Could you imagine fighting a hobo looking like Jesus Christ calling upon the trees to entangle you in vines so he can turn into a bear and maul you? Maybe, but it'd be damn hard to picture! What kind of world do you think this is? And if you're one of those losers who thinks "Night Elf Druid chicks are so sexy in World of Warcraft" I got a few points I'd like to inform you of. First, what the hell is your problem? You really that big of a loser that you think a pixelated computer generated character model is attractive? It's a fucking game. Second, that game does not depict how real life affects a traveler. As a former WoW junkie I can say this much: How the fuck did I just go through an instance and get stabbed roughly 500 times and my white silk shirt is STILL in pristine condition. A real NELF Druid would NOT be hot by the time she got to you. And finally, I'd like to point out that a Druid is one with nature. That must mean you're part of nature, right? But that's not really the issue here. How can you turn into a bear, a cheetah or panther, or a bird? Or anything like that!? Where does the mass come from? How do you get rid of it to fly? How can your bones hollow out like that? And most importantly, where do your clothes end up? If you ask me, all these Druids would be in jail before dinging to level eleven. Dire Bear form is equal to public indecency and prison time, you sex offender!

In short, Druids are like Rotary Engines,
Those worked in theory as well.

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Persepolis. Great.

So class of 2011, I have a question for all of you. What is your summer reading requirement? Is it all print? Oh that's cool. I got Persepolis. That's right, a COMIC BOOK. What kind of broken college am I attending? Not only isn't it wildly ridiculed for not being Umass Amherst, but even our reading material seems to be a joke. "Haha, you idiots get to read comics." At least that's how I felt at first. Soon, however, I got to thinking. This isn't some curse or bad omen. This is a gift. Something different. While everyone else is stuck, bored, reading books they have no care about, I was sitting in car (my favourite place to read) reading Persepolis, a amazingly entertaining comic about a young girls struggle growing in Tehran during a revolution. And to make it even better (or worse for you unlucky folks) it's a MEMOIR. A damned good one at that. So I praise you, directors or Umass Lowell, for picking an awesome book. Also, Professor Kramer, who is highly intelligent and witty. And finally, a thank you to Marjane Satrapi for sharing your story with the world. I loved every minute of it.

If there's a God, it hates me.

So I'm pretty sure I have figured out what this God character has decided for me. Don't be offended and please don't be afraid. I'm sure that he (that being how I refer to this omnipotent being) is upset with me. Everything I somehow end up on top and collect things he seems to think it's a great time to take it all away. Everything I get a good number of items to live with they are 'stolen' from me. Our conversations sound a little like this:
Me: Hey God, what's up?
God: Nothing much. Hey is that the new Bethesda game?
Me: Sure is!
God: And is it Game of the Year Edition?
Me: Yeah! I just bought it on Amazon.com.
God: And what system do you play that on?
Me: A playstation three, obvi! ;)
God: Don't you need, like, a nice HD telly in order to fully enjoy your game system?
Me: Of course silly! I got a Vizio flat screen telly.
God: And what is all of that stuff?
*He gestures to all my stuff*
Me: My personal belongings I've obtained this year.
God: What the heck dude? Noooooo! Stop collecting stuff.
*He now turns into Oprah Winfrey*
God: Everybody gets tornadoes! You get a tornado, you get a tornado!
*A tornado then decimates my house and God turns back into his regular omnipotent self*
God: Take that, you are not worthy! You don't get nice things. You don't deserve it.
Me: What the heck God?
And so goes the story of my life. Collect items. Get safe and comfy with my life. Fall in love. Watch everything get destroyed by some "disaster" that I have no control over. Then complain about it.